Harvard researchers have recently released data that has caught the eye of tens of thousands of male runners. The increasingly popular use of "compression shorts" underneath more standard athletic attire was studied in a year long retrospective study completed by Harvard trained scientists, Edward Shields and his cohort Elijah Yarnell. Shields and Yarnell studied the sperm count of runners of varying abilities and found one hard fact that served notice: 62% reduction in viable sperm count in those runners wearing compression shorts.
"It was indisputable", said Shields. "To a man, the gonadal production was substantially reduced if they wore compression shorts. The range was typically a 40% to 85% loss of spermatoid function. And even worse than that I believe that the pressure on the little swimmers fragile heads produced an alteration of their DNA. I believe the resulting misshapen sperm-heads might be a harbinger of future problems for mankind. This is only a theory, mind you", Shields warned in a firm voice. "But I think those runners' that choose to wear those tight shorts are applying more pressure on their 'privates' than they realize. If they then engage in sexual activities they run the risk of creating what I will call 'jughead babies'. I fear a whole new race of miscreants will be formed that in the past could have only been envisioned by science fiction writers".
"I totally agree with my colleague", said the bearded Yarnell. "I worry that the inherent skinniness of long distance runners, when combined with the new cranium formation will in essence create a mutant being. A gaunt, flat-headed human predisposed to be able to run long distances at a level previously thought unattainable. My concern also lies in the emotional state of these creatures in that they will be prone to even more ridicule than a runner's ectomorphic-like physique already gathers today".
The results of the study will be published in next months peer reviewed publication, The Journal of Mass Reproduction and Spermicidal Intentions. After a short speaking tour the researchers' future plans include a study of the effect of so called "jog bras" on the milk production of lactating female distance runners.