Any Suggestion On What To Do
while Waiting For The Porta-Potty?
When I wait in line to use the porta-potty before a race, I am usually embarrassed or bored. I wish I had something to do to keep me busy. Do you have any suggestion? - Waiting in line
Dear Waiting,
Before a big race there's this game we play with our bodies called: "Hydrate and Urinate".
It's a nasty game, and there are rarely any winners, but we are compelled to engage ourselves in this contest just as we find ourselves compelled to run the race we will soon struggle within.
The goal of this game is to maintain a constant level of hydration, while controlling the amount of fluid digested. The idea is to "fuel" the cells of our bodies with as much moisture as possible, so as to act as a cooling agent during the race. The problem is that our self-regulating bodies prefer to eliminate the unnecessary excess fluid in full expectation that a state of rest, rather than aerobic heart pounding work, will be maintained.
The whole "I am a human and my body produces waste products" is embarrassing. Most of our bodily functions are shameful activities that we wish we could limit, surgically or through deep meditation, but alas our love for running is in direct conflict with such desires.
And so, you find yourself waiting in line with hundreds, perhaps even thousands of other "urine laden" runners, eager to "vacate" their organs prior to the start of the race. What to do? How can one protect oneself from such humiliation?
The simplicity of my answer will seem controversial, and perhaps shocking, but requires both an open mind and a belief that no one will suspect a thing. Thus I present to you my Eight-step program to deliver you from embarrassment and bladder anguish, while maintaining a healthy fluidity.
•Step 1 - Get a large mouth water bottle and a large green trash bag. Those jugs of green "Carbo-aide" sugar laden sports drinks usually work well. The point here is that you're going to require a container with a large opening. For the purposes of this exercise, and as a unique and "anything but boring" alternative to waiting in line, note that there is no such thing as "too large" of an opening for your water container. Note too, that the trash bag must be totally opaque. This point is absolutely critical.
•Step 2 - Fill will cool, clear, fresh, sparkling spring water and seal the container with the screw-cap.
•Step 3 - On a large white self-adhesive label, write the following words in large block letters using a bright red magic marker: "Warning: Human Waste".
•Step 4 - In the hours or minutes that you're waiting for the start or the race, relax and drink as much of the water as you'd like. Go for it, don't worry about having to "relieve yourself", we'll get to that later, and trust me you won't be waiting in line. Chug the whole bottle down. Fill-er up, come on! You're about to run a road race, you need to "get busy with the hydration thing".
•Step 5 - Just before the race, you're going to need to "go potty". Have no fear, and don't go looking for the huge line of bladder weary runners. Instead, take your place at the starting line and take out your trash bag. Finish off the rest of your water.
•Step 6 - Now comes the fun part. Put that trash bag over your head and "scrunch down". When you're completely hidden under the bag, take your now empty wide mouth water bottle and, umm... - how do I say this delicately? - perform a "fluid exchange function" (that is, pee in the bottle!).
•Step 7 - Once done, take out your self-adhesive label with the important warning message, and adhere it to the water bottle.
•Step 8 - At the start of the race, keep an eye out for some well placed trash containers and carefully and discretely deliver both the bottle and trash bag into said container.
And so, following these easy steps, you've saved yourself from the shame of public potty waiting, maintained a necessary hydrated state, and protected the environment from toxic waste. It's brilliant!!
On the other hand, you could just wear a mask and bring a good magazine to read while you're in the porta potty... but that's a whole other strategy that lacks the creativity heretofore expressed.
Run long and taper.
