Do Runners Have More Affairs Than Non-Runners?
I have a question I rarely see asked. My wife is a runner and is running Boston soon. However, I fear she is cheating on me with another runner. I think she only runs to look good for her "friend". I guess my question is, do runners have more affairs than non-runners? - Fidelity in Question
Dear Fidelity,
Let me begin by apologizing for my incredibly late response to your question. I received your letter a month ago, and knew that my answer would require some quantitative research.
Since I was an official runner in the "Boston marathon" myself, back on April 21st, I knew it would give me the opportunity to ask a plethora of married women runners who, themselves, were registered for the race.
"Would you like to have an extramarital affair?" I asked each one as I moved along the crowds in the Athlete's Village behind the Hopkinton High School. Their response and the data I collected was quite conclusive. There can be no doubt as to the answer to your question "Do runners have more affairs than non-runners?".
But, before I reveal what I found from my survey, I'd like to take a brief moment to offer you some sound advice regarding social field studies and the dangers of questionnaires.
As a male runner, you must never go out into a large field of married female runners, and ask each of them if they'd like to have an extramarital affair. The assumption they will make, I'm sorry to say, is that you are posing the question personally, and not for the common good of scientific research. They will not be pleased by what they will consider "an offer" from you to engage in an extramarital affair with them. Furthermore, if they are with their husbands, they will not only be less inclined to answer your question truthfully, but they will in all cases acquaint your nose with their husband's angry fist.
I know this first hand (or rather, "first fist") for having interviewed several married female runners in Hopkinton, Massachusetts. Although there were over 20,000 runners in total running the marathon that day, the small sample of married women that I was able, for heath reasons, to question proves beyond any doubt my conclusions.
I questioned 22 runners for this survey, and here are my results:
- Married female runners who would have affairs: 0
- Married female runners who have had affairs: 0
- Married female runners who would like to see me get my "ass kicked": 22
- Married female runners who got incredibly angry at me: 22
- Married female runners who thought I was witty and cute to ask such a question: 0
My analysis of the collected responses seems to suggest two important points: a) Married female runners do not have more affairs than non-runners; b) Guys performing surveys should never ask personal intimate questions of others.
Run long and taper.
